Killing The Guru: Introduction
In Buddhism, it's said that if you meet Buddha on the road you should kill him. This is a metaphor for the destruction and rebirth of ego and the enlightenment of the self. It's also an admonition to remember that you are your own Buddha and that anything which seems beyond or outside yourself is an illusion.*
Enter the modern day guru.
Pick any author from Hay House and you'll see a pattern. You can have everything you want, you create your reality, stay positive no matter what, dump anyone that would bring you down, trust feeling over rational thought, etc.
The message differs in delivery but always coincides on the major point: you'll get everything you want if you buy our stuff. If you're not willing to spend money it shows that you feel you don't deserve it, you suffer from a "lack" mindset and you're preventing yourself from attaining what's rightfully yours. It's a cult of materialism, except it avoids being branded as a cult by avoiding the most obvious trappings while employing the same methods.
"If you can just walk away then they're not hurting anyone. It's their own fault if they let themselves get swindled into spending thousands of dollars and they listen to someone else instead of trusting their own judgement." That's said quite often, and to an extent I agree-it's futile to try and protect people from themselves. On the other hand, snake-oil pushers should be held accountable when they target the most vulnerable among us and they promote an attitude wherein the things they say represent the only right way to live.
They play off the societal narrative that the purpose of life is to amass as much wealth and influence as possible before you die. They draw from every source they can and twist language any way they need to in order to sell their product. They are the pushers of abundance who can't create it without selling these products. The fact that so few think they're worthy of criticism is what makes them so dangerous.
Personal development is a worthwhile pursuit. In fact, many of the ideas which are pushed by pop-psychologists and gurus actually have some merit, the problem is that they're interwoven with despicable personalities and placed behind thousand dollar pay-walls. If the aim was to help people there would be a foundation dedicated to this, not a billion dollar industry.
The way to change that is first and foremost to speak up and revolt against the guru culture. The second is to begin one's own exploration apart from them, regarding oneself as the final authority in any matter that concerns your financial or spiritual well-being. Third, to share our ideas openly and abundantly in a world where the internet has given new meaning to the term "free exchange".
This series is part of step one. There's nothing wrong with making money from valuable products, talents, and information. There is a major problem with $10k sweat lodges that end up killing people. There are dangerous minds selling us empty promises and it's the responsibility of every aware individual to call them out before worse injustices occur.
To start, I'd direct everyone reading this to a site called Beyond Growth which has done a number of articles about Steve Pavlina, James Ray, and a few others. A complete list of those articles can be found here. I don't agree with every point on every guru but I believe everyone should be subject to scrutiny and that indeed anyone who operates with integrity should welcome it.
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*According to Buddhism there is no 'other' at the core reality and thus "killing the Buddha" is rejecting the illusion. This differs from solipsism in that every 'self' is considered a false construct whereas the former says everything is in your head and you are the only thing that exists.
I’m Not Dead and SOPA
Long story short: it has been a crazy month.
There's a lot more to say, a lot more, but for now I'm going to post a graphic which I mean to distribute far and wide before the day is done.
Talks on SOPA resume on the 21st. Make your stand now.
Addendum
I understand that my previous post was predicated on assumptions I didn't bother to explain or justify, such as "spirituality is a worthwhile endeavor." There were hints concerning why I thought that but I stated it as if it were self-evident and proceeded from there. That's not because it isn't something I want to question-it is-but that was the site's mission statement and I wanted to make it as clear as possible with as few words as necessary and that meant a lot of content had to be cut.
Nothing is set in stone, and yet every hypothesis begins with a set of statements which are temporarily considered true until they can be challenged or confirmed, at which point a theory is crafted and improved upon or replaced as we deepen our understanding. The why behind my assumptions will be clear to anyone who knows me and, perhaps, anyone who's read the archives, but I can go deeper. I can make it more elaborate. I can eliminate faulty reasoning and strengthen my positions. I can share insights and experiences which make my stance easier to comprehend and define.
This is a major expansion of vision, and I'm having to remind myself that not everything can be accomplished in one stroke. The intention is to create something that can be built upon. There's already something here so let's take that, keep the best of it, integrate that into the foundation, and start laying bricks.
In time this will be a hub for differing perspectives on everything esoteric and practical and it will be kept in sight until it's achieved.
Rational Spirituality
If we're to make a system that incorporates rational thought with an openness to spirituality-as well as an imperative to actively explore it-what would that look like?
It can't be a religion. It can be compatible with religion (though not most of them), but it can't be one. How would we differentiate the two?
I'm going to oversimplify for the sake of clarifying the concept: religion requires belief. It entails making statements about reality which are neither backed by evidence or experience, and what is based on experience is often extrapolated far beyond what that in itself would allow.
Take oneness-it's incredibly popular in new age and self-help literature, and it borrows heavily from Buddhist and Hindu conceptions of divinity. The way it's commonly framed, individuality is an illusion and the goal of spiritual endeavor is to shed the ego and merge into undifferentiated consciousness. Other assumptions are then attached to this, such as "if we're all one then we should strive to express love and compassion 100% of the time" and "the cause of all our problems is that the world isn't operating from this perspective."
Their most grievous sin is how they mutilate language in order to make everything fit within their paradigm. Thoughts and actions which move us toward unity are "love" and anything which focuses on separateness is "fear". It creates a very heaven/hell like dynamic and, without uttering the word, introduces a salvation doctrine which bolsters the egos of the "saved" by making them feel like they have some kind of special knowledge the rest of us don't.
I've exposed my bias in writing that and that's intentional. The concept of oneness is incredibly intriguing and, based on discussions I've had with people far more advanced than I am, I'm willing to say there's something to it. However, the truth is not something which can be bought and sold, no one else can raise your consciousness to a level where you see it unhindered and you can't get there through belief.
So we're all one. What next? How does that change anything? The answer for most is that it doesn't. I'm not qualified to comment on their inner state, but internal shifts lead to external changes, and if nothing changes on the outside, if they've "cast off their ego" but they still get angry or cheat on their spouse or eat too much, then it's nothing more than an excuse to say, "I know more than I do."
It betrays a deep discomfort with the unknown.
Myself, I've had experiences which can best be described through oneness, but there are only two things that I can confirm: I felt as if I expanded far beyond my body and that I was connected to something which contained the entire universe. That doesn't mean we're one-that's a big jump to make. That feeling is so incredible that it's hard to process and it's even more difficult to base any conclusions based on it. If I say, with absolute certainty, that we're all one and this is the truth, then I've closed myself off from truly exploring it because I've already decided on an outcome and anything which doesn't fit within that box will be filtered from my mind.
I'd be dishonoring the student in me out of fear-fear of rejection from the herd and fear that if I go deeper I won't find a pleasant answer, if I find one at all.
I'm better than that, and so are you.
What will be our guiding principles, then? It isn't enough to admit ignorance and become comfortable with what we don't know. I've begun this site on a hypothesis: that spirituality is a practical way to know ourselves and enrich our lives. If there's no way forward, though, then it's the same as passive agnosticism and that doesn't work as an actual system.
First, it's necessary to split the function of spirituality and science. The two don't mix, and as long as they're both trying to make statements about reality they'll keep getting in each other's way. I'm not saying the findings from one will always contradict the other or that they can never inform or bolster each other, rather I think that in order to do that spirituality first has to be separated from religious dogma and repurposed into an exploratory discipline as opposed to one that provides answers.
There is no such thing as timeless truth. Scientific theories are only valid until they're replaced, and a lot of our oldest spiritual wisdom will be proven inadequate or wrong as we advance human knowledge. This is already the case with creationism and various other myths which have been taken literally, and while those texts may still be valuable they can't be regarded as an inerrant standard by which men and women should live their lives.
Spirituality should serve us, it shouldn't force us to submit. Submission brings out the worst in humankind but when we're allowed to be rebellious and inventive we make progress. This is the thinking which informs my process and the vision of this site, as well as the creation of the following principles.
1. Question Everything-All Knowledge is Tentative
Leaps of faith are necessary inasmuch as spirituality doesn't work without imagination. If you're unable to think abstractly or proceed on hypothesis alone then it's impossible to get anywhere. The downside, of course, is that people then become trapped within their reality tunnel and refuse to consider that they're either wrong or that they've done a poor job of framing their experiences. They mistake their for truth and the higher they build on that the more questionable their beliefs become.
It's far saner to treat each new idea as a reality lens. You might be somewhat familiar with this if you've ever been to Steve Pavlina's site, but the gist is that you adopt perspectives based on what's most useful at the time. This allows the dual-benefit of seeing reality unfold through a certain view while continuously evolving as you accrue new information.
2. Keep Only What's Useful
Talk of angels and demons and gods, heaven and hell-it makes a great narrative but how does it apply here and now? How does it change you? What impact does it have on the way you live and the choices you make?
Like oneness, the descriptions of the above concepts match experiences I've had with aspects of my own psyche, and for that reason I can find a purpose for it as metaphor and use it in further self-examination. However, the thought that they might literally exist-while not strictly absurd-is so far afield that I can't possibly see how it's relevant.
That doesn't mean I'm the lone arbiter of what's real and what isn't, it means that belief would be inconsequential within my own framework. When people talk about demons latching onto them and they perform rituals to fix the problem, I can see how at the very least the psychological legwork was helpful in pushing past it. For me, when I've dealt with things others might attribute to ethereal entities, it was nothing I couldn't remedy either by building my confidence, addressing a physical problem, making plans and taking action, or performing meditative rituals. If it did have anything to do with a demon it was either very weak or I did exactly what had to be done to get rid of it, so for me to name that as the cause would be no different than if someone swore Jesus spoke to them through their morning toast.
Truth-whether it's absolute, fragmented, or a mere stepping stone-changes you. Compare cooking by firelight with modern society where we have gas and electric stoves and you'll see two completely different worlds. Every time we've expanded our knowledge the world has been irrevocably changed, as if with each new invention or idea we tap the first domino in a line.
My spiritual experiences have been like that. When somebody shouts another dogma it goes through my ears, but when they relay something which shook them to their core I take notice. This is truth, or the path to it. This is what an active spirituality has to offer us, and perhaps when guided by the right methods it can shake the foundations of our world in a way that's unique (but not entirely unlike) the advances we've seen through science.
3. If It Contradicts Reality, It's False
It's stating the obvious but sometimes the obvious needs to be said. If something is testable and fails to produce results then belief isn't faith, it's delusion.
This isn't a hardline principle in the sense that nothing is set in stone, and just because you neither progressed as a person nor developed any extraordinary capabilities through a particular method doesn't mean that it wouldn't work with some alterations. With that said, you won't be violating the law of gravity no matter how spiritual you are. People claim to do it and there are second hand accounts floating around but "I know a guy who knows a guy who levitated" isn't a reason to believe even if it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility.
"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." That doesn't mean the status quo cannot be challenged, it means that if something is widely accepted as fact with solid evidence and reasoning to support it then it takes no less than a demonstration that something exists outside those rules to call it into question. Case in point: breatharianism. All the faith in the world won't make that into a valid phenomenon and it's incredibly dangerous to accept it out of hand. It's the kind of thing that either turns people into liars or makes them starve, and a bullheaded dedication to it would not only impede someone's personal growth, it might kill them.
Demanding evidence isn't just close-minded skeptics trying to shut out everything that doesn't fit within their existing framework, it's a cautionary measure to ensure that when we invest ourselves in something it is, in fact, worthwhile to do so. Your unwavering acceptance is only demanded by people who want to control you-they have agendas which may or may not be beneficial for all the parties involved, and one way or another it entails giving up your right to decide your own fate.
Stated differently, this principle amounts to "stay grounded." Faith is not the evidence of things unseen, demonstration is. Don't give your faith to something without working to substantiate it, and if your work fails go back to the drawing board. That's how we empower ourselves.
4. Take The Hard Road
This essentially sums up everything that came before. The crux of popular spirituality is that you can get something for nothing-all your worries will vanish if you bring yourself into the "now", you'll get a million dollars if you just think about it hard enough, your cancer will go away if you laugh a lot.
None of that's true. The mind and body are capable of nearly miraculous things and I've no doubt that thought is immeasurably powerful on the basis of my own experience but there's a limit, and what the gurus fail to tell us when they mutilate "age old wisdom" is that they've separated their work from the rituals and practices which made the theories effective in the first place.
You're not going to think yourself thin. If you describe what you want your body to look and feel like and you visualize and hold onto the feelings that stirs in you you'll be a lot more effective when acting toward your goal-in fact it might not even feel like work-but the purpose of mind is to create motion, not to wish the fat away. If you're just trying to avoid exercise that's the only thing you'll be successful at.
I've seen incredible synchronicities happen. What, exactly, those were is up for debate; what isn't is that I was engaged in what would bring me what I want with a level of focus I haven't had outside of those instances. It's easy for someone to say, "I thought money so I got money!" but there's an endless number of interwoven complexities which they're most likely not taking into account, and if there are people who can simply will things to happen most of us don't know them and so it remains at the level of theory.
The hardest line to walk is the one between believer and skeptic. Those of us in the middle need the keenest minds and sharpest wits. Unthinking rejection or acceptance of the spiritual is simple, just find a religion or a set of arguments you like and repeat them when challenged. To not only desire truth but actively seek it within ourselves and the world at large is a much harder path, perhaps the hardest one a man or woman can walk.
This is not for the faint of heart.
I set this here not as an immutable standard but something that can change and grow as this blog expands and new ideas are added to the fold. The one constant is that questions will be more valued than answers, not only because they move us closer toward whatever end lies in our future but because we only grow as people when we're curious. Maybe there is a point where there's nothing left to discover but I daresay it'll be the death of us when we reach it.
Perhaps it's not so bad a fate, but the least we can do is go with our eyes open.
Embrace liberation, embrace life
-Cado
Rebranding
Sometime ago I announced a change in direction for this blog. Not every portion of that has manifested yet but it hasn't stopped me from contemplating and expanding the vision for what I want this to be.
I chose "Stripping the Emperor" because it was irreverent-all sacred cows that pass through here will be cooked on a bun by morning. I got tired of watching new age nonsense going unopposed, as if these gurus taught timeless truths, altering the presentation but not the substance. The unthinking acceptance of their work is an affront to truth which serves only as a crutch, and while there's comfort in answers there is no progress.
Not only did I want to call that into question, I wanted to present material outside the norm. In fact I wanted to oppose the norm because what I've experienced contradicts what I've been told, and as there isn't a solid counter-case beyond assertions that they're ultimately right (across lifetimes, outside the human experience, etc), my voice deserves to be heard.
This has led me deeper not only into the works of modern writers but the traditions they draw from, as well as further questions concerning the validity of that-all of it.
The conclusion I keep coming back to is that spiritual experiences are valid and based in something real. A purely rationalistic world-view causes me to write things off that may lead to greater insight into the human condition, things which have unquestionably added to my self-knowledge and understanding of others, and that's too valuable to set aside. On the other hand, it's easy to lose your grounding and assume knowledge of absolute truth when all you have is a good feeling about it.
My gut has served me well when I'm trying to read people or decide how to split my efforts between my various passions. It hasn't rung true when I've had thoughts like, "I was Jesus" or nonsense like that. Ego isn't separate from intuition, so while I have a lot of strong hunches I don't know what to make of them without a method for discerning the truth.
That's my primary concern. I don't care about love and oneness, I don't care about what I believe, I want to know the truth. Everything else is subservient to that.
Thus the change in vision.
I've been contemplating a rebranding for a long time. In fact, I had decided as early as May this year that I was going to do this. Originally I was going to go with "The Light/Dark Exchange" but the concept would have been too niche; it would have focused exclusively on archiving the knowledge and beliefs of what's termed Right Hand and Left Hand Path disciplines, as well as exploring how the two differ from and influence each other.
That's still in the cards but it doesn't feel as important as this (and I want to make some new contacts before I devote my energies to it). For now, this is an adequate platform for delving into those subjects whenever there's something to be said.
Irreverence is good. I'm going to keep an element of that in my own writings as we go forward, but I'm also going to be more studious and critical concerning the topics we discuss. Stripping the Emperor is no longer a good fit; it worked when this was mostly a personal blog where I could showcase some of my work, but now I want to convey that this is something to be taken seriously.
Right now I am its heart and soul but my aim is that when I'm removed from the equation this will continue to be a platform for spiritual insight and inquiry on the part of those who feel there's something more but don't want to trash their brains.
That doesn't negate anything else I've decided to focus on-in my view, a solid spiritual discipline is primarily active and doesn't simply ignore what's happening in the world on the basis that it's illusory, it doesn't matter, or that immaterial rewards are the only thing worth pursuing. We're alive, here and now, as flesh and blood and goddammit, if the world didn't matter we wouldn't be here.
That's as unsubstantiated as the things I criticize, but I'm willing to make that leap because it's empowering. Too often spirituality makes people passive and submissive and that is where the real danger lies. It's not in cults led by madmen, nor in the doctrines of middle east terrorists, it's in the notion that the enlightened do nothing and to get what they have we have to follow suit.
This is where we draw the line.
Words Aren’t Enough
Anyone big on spirituality will tell you that (myself included). Usually the explanation doesn't go much deeper than "you need to see it firsthand"-which is 100% true, but then why use words at all? And does their initial claim hold water when they can describe their system in great depth if prodded?
Anything that can be experienced can be conceptualized, and to conceptualize is to define. As long as we can invent words we can create language which is as descriptive as we need. The fault isn't in words, it's our ability to interpret them and grasp the experiences which inform them.
It's similar to explaining what it's like to walk to someone who's been paralyzed since birth. They can watch you do it, you can talk about all the sensations that go with it, you can sit them down with a scientific text book, but without doing it themselves there's a blank they can't fill.
The frustrating part is without that blank everything else becomes far more abstract, sometimes to the point of meaninglessness. No concept or theory is capable triggering the experiential understanding which transforms a person, and that's the whole point of spiritual endeavor. Not rewards in the afterlife, not magic mind powers, transformation.
The first pitfall this presents is intellectual hubris which leads to stagnation. IE, "I know the dogma ergo I am enlightened." This is where many cultural religionists would fall to varying degrees. Some of them would consider themselves quite devout even though they only read books and never do anything.
The second pitfall-which results from the first-is that people without firsthand experience (or who want to use it to control others) take the framework and build their ideas into it, thus spiraling further and further away from the original construct until it's entirely comprised of nonsense. In either case language hasn't failed, it's been perverted.
So why bother? It plants the seed. You won't understand what's being said until you go deeper but if you do that without a means to contextualize what you find it's a much harder road, even maddening for some. Just because you can't fill in the blank at first it doesn't mean you shouldn't be presented with the riddle, it just needs to stay flexible. No two people will conceptualize the subtle in exactly the same way so for a system to serve the seeker it has to adapt with changing circumstances and new understanding.
In short: words serve us as well as we serve ourselves.
A Dose of Viagra for Your Discontent
"When an entire world changes there are no innocent bystanders. Only those who turn the wheels and those who let them be turned." --D. Fetterman
Let's turn our attention to the world at large, shall we? Well, not quite "at large"-I'm in the US so that's what I'm going to talk about. I'm not qualified to address events in other countries though many of the same principles apply. "We are all in this together" is said so much it's cliche but to some degree it's the truth; whatever happens whether it involves the military, the economy, corporations, or political structures, it has a ripple effect. It's usually some time before it's felt but, to pick a recent example, I harbor no illusions that things like the London Riots haven't changed the course of my country's future somehow.
Can I substantiate that? Not yet, and it's possible that even if I'm right whatever it spurs won't be directly attributed to it-but you'd better believe that when people go nuts those in charge are paying close attention and planning their strategies around it.
I'm not claiming grand conspiracy. The simple truth is that when you have innumerable resources at your disposal and you control necessary aspects of modern life everything you do is essentially social engineering and if you move to protect your interests it will fall under the same category. You don't have control if you can't control people, and you can't control people unless you know how to hit the right triggers.
There are no lizard people. There are no ten-thousand year old cabals actively trying to keep humanity in the dark. There are people with immense power who consider their interests more important than the long-term impact of their actions, and they are willing to exploit our natural tendencies in order to maintain their positions.
They're aided by media-which they own-that exaggerates and scandalizes the most mundane things while underreporting real news, if the facts ever make it to air. Case in point:
Stories relating to Michael Jackson's death dominated the news cycle a good month after it happened and yet when Habeus Corpus was suspended it was barely mentioned. This has led to the unfortunate situation where the crowd in numb to cries of "Wolf!", so much so that when one appears nobody cares.
Our liberties erode, the economy is destroyed, those with everything get more, and we grumble and get on with our lives.
Make no mistake-this isn't a guilt trip, it's an observation, and it's meant to reveal how dire the situation truly is. Total misery would be wonderful, in a way, as we'd have no choice but to mobilize, but we don't have that. Our jobs and money have been drying up for years and there's a lot less to go around than there was but there's still enough to maintain the promise of the American Dream™, or failing that the necessities of life. "Don't bite the hand that feeds" is an evolutionary principle and it's one coded deep into our DNA.
Gas prices are high but what are we going to do? You need a car to survive in many parts of the country, and while paying $4.00 a gallon means cutting back it amounts to an inconvenience for most. Food prices have gone up but it isn't out of control. Welfare, unemployment, and school loans/grants help numb the sting of the 10% unemployment rate. (Which is really closer to 20%)
We're being taken care of. They're doing a lousy job, sure, but they're doing it.
Though it's clear they'd like to quit:
As the man in that video (Cenk Ugyur) is so fond of saying, there's no way to be that bad at negotiation. Nobody in Washington or within the corporate world is on our side.
When we give tax breaks and subsidies to oil companies, they lay people off as their profits increase. The same is true for nearly every company in the top 1%. The short and simple answer is that what is good for them isn't good for the rest of us no matter how reasonable it sounds. They've bought and paid for our political system which allows them to set the agenda, pick the candidates, and influence policy without taking any responsibility themselves, and with corporate personhood firmly established they have all the rights and privileges of people with far less resources which gives them near total control over the entire process.
There is one inescapable conclusion: we are facilitating this. Whether we're actively for it or merely standing by, we play a part.
That's crushing. It's like the day a vegan realizes his personal boycott won't make a dent in the meat industry, or the lady who bought a hybrid realizes that there aren't enough of them on the road to impact climate change.
There's no end to our list of problems, and frankly there won't be. Earth is not utopia, and one person can't possibly cope with it all. But that's a false dichotomy-no one person has been asked to fill that role, and while there are a thousand causes banging at your door, asking for your time and money, it's entirely within your grasp to determine which ones will get your support.
And the largeness of the systems uptop is also their weakness. You can't reach that point without depending on other structures to hold you up. The whole thing is interconnected and the first step for anyone who wants to do something is to figure out which domino topples the most within the line.
We have all the power, the illusion is that we don't. It holds as long as we have something to lose-as long as the social contract is being upheld and those who have provided jobs and resources to those who do not. When there's nothing left to lose, something stirs within people and the whole system is reset to zero, often violently. We don't have to wait for that, and not every person on the planet needs to care in order to turn the tide.
Pick a target, inform yourself, and do something. If you can't do much, just do something. Share stories that aren't being adequately covered by the mainstream news. Put pressure on your state representatives to do what you, the people, demand. Get mad and get loud and stay that way until they're forced to acknowledge us!
The root of all the corruption is the corporate takeover of our political system. I know this applies to other countries than my own, I'm only uncertain of the extent. The most important thing is to take control away from them and make our government something which is representative of us and not the people who bribe politicians, and this is a damn good start: http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/video-shows-protesters-interrupt-first-super-committee-meeting-171419189.html
Change is never quick, it's rarely easy, but whether it's personal or large scale it's always in our hands.
Poison and Blood
I was made of poison and blood
Condemnation is what I understood
Videogames to the Towers' fall
Homeland security could kill us all
-Green Day, 21st Century Breakdown
This begins as these things often do: with the power of Jesus.
Say the magic words or burn forever-boy did that get me prayin'. If you want to know how to give a five year old insomnia, tell them there's an invisible man that loves them-that they can never please-who will torture them if they commit a sin and die before they can say "I'm sorry."
If you don't live in the United States you're probably unaware of how bad this is over here, and if you've lived here but you've only been around religious moderates it's likely you underestimate the power and influence of fundamentalism in our own country.
My parents are the kind of people that got Bush Jr. elected. With their words they praised freedom and by their actions they demonstrated subservience. Clinton was the anti-Christ, Armageddon was set to begin at the turn of the century, and Jesus would be back to whisk us all away before the worst of it could begin. Maybe. Nobody was clear on the details. See, there's supposed to be this seven year tribulation where the worst disasters ever to befall mankind would occur by God's hand, and some believed we'd be gone by then while others said we'd stay until the last.
They also said the Bible is clear and unambiguous in its meaning. No matter how much they differed on everything else, they agreed on that.
These are the people condemning gays through government on a religious pretext. They are the ones who consider it more important to stop abortions than to care for the children we already have. They blame the Chinese for our economic troubles while refusing to adapt to a changing world. They aren't "racist" or "sexist" only because they sugarcoat deplorable rhetoric. They are the vocal minority at the head of the Tea Party, and while they alone can't sway elections the GOP has been playing to them as long as I've been alive.
They are the ones who told me, "go to school, get a job, retire in 40 years" when that model had already passed its expiration date. They are the ones bitter toward unemployed youth when they can't retire because they squandered their money. They are the ones who shout, "by Christ all is healed!" when they can't even hold their marriages together.
And when you're indoctrinated young you buy it all hook, line, and sinker.
It's not like my parents had it out for me. No, they were running mental programs that'd been installed by their parents, and their parents probably got it from their parents-if a pattern repeats long enough it's like a virus and you breathe it in and pass it on, unaware of its existence. You'll feel a stirring that tells you something is wrong but sometimes, like my father, you fight to figure it out until the day you die, never tasting victory even if you never admit defeat.
The best and worst of what I am I got from him and all my years from thirteen onward have been spent trying to undo the damage he did and prevent the pattern from repeating. You want a father that a kid couldn't please, he was your man-but he didn't want it to be like that. I saw him struggle against that even as he verbally tore me apart. There were moments, even amidst my own tears, that I saw a deep gash within his core and I knew all those words he was saying to me weren't about me at all but whatever ate away at him.
That didn't make it okay; nothing ever made that okay-but I learned his pride, and in doing so I put up a front. I had to take the abuse because I felt I deserved it, and when I knew I didn't I convinced myself things would be better if I bore it. In his better moments he was generous and understanding and taught me many things I chose to integrate as I peeled away the layers of my own psyche, and yet in its own way that made things more difficult.
"It would be so much easier if he hated me."
The human mind struggles when confronted with ambiguity, and when you feel hate and love, anger and guilt, all at the same time, in the same environment, often toward the same person or people, your life is conflict. You can't get away from it. It follows you into your dreams, it makes you jump when nobody's there. You fear the hammer not because you lack the strength to parry but because you wonder if you should.
That's how I realized that the question of whether it's "right" doesn't matter. The pressure built, and as I grew every feeling caved to anger.
I had been taught that my body was a filthy thing and my desires were sinful and any release would quicken my damnation.
I had been told the things I loved at that time in my life were nothing but useless wastes of time, that the only thing that had value was labor and the money that came with it.
Every thought I tried to think for myself had been suppressed either because it didn't fit within our religious framework or it would lead me to become something other than what they-be it my parents, the church, or society-wanted me to be.
I was pissed, and no doubt if my father had lived he would have been on the receiving end of that, but then he was gone, and I was left to pound my fists into the ground, lamenting the bastard who didn't have the balls to stay for what was coming to him as I mourned for reasons unknown to myself.
"It ends with me."
All of my energy was poured into those four words. If I had to kill myself to hold to my vow and ensure I put no one else through what I'd been through then I would.
That's why I talk about personal development-sharing helps me learn.
That's why I reject the notion that people are powerless to change-saying that would mean I am my father, version 2.
And that's why I'm turning to bigger and bigger agendas-what good is everything that I've done if I don't have the power to shape the world?
I don't need to be the singular force that brings existing structures to their knees. I don't need to be that because that is not the only way to have an impact. That is my story, and it's yours too-there is no reason that you, as an individual, cannot reach out into the world, driven by your desire, and see something come of it, somehow, someway. Simply refusing to admit defeat is pride but observation, new tactics, persistence, that can turn stubbornness into an asset and yield victory.
That's true on an individual level, it's true for societies, and it's the reason that I write.
The Microcosm
Before the agenda stated in The Next Level is in full swing I'm compelled to tell a story.
Now, it would be a lie to say I don't talk much about myself, but I've rarely spoken in depth. There is one simple reason for that:
Nobody cares.
With rare exception, I don't read articles in magazines or on blogs to learn about the writer's life. They are a name on the page and maybe, if they allude to something juicy or their words resonate at my core, they'll become more to me. Even then, I would rather research them than have their guts laid out on the page.
Good writing gets to the point. It doesn't weigh you down in needless details, it doesn't call something important when its not, it presents you with an idea or an argument you can build upon, debunk, or ignore as you wish. If it's really good it'll stir something in you and change the way you think or the way you live, but even those who aspire to that can't say for certain when they'll accomplish that vaunted goal.
Have I earned the right to divulge (and indulge in) my story? Well, I can say the vast majority who will read this when it first goes up are people I have known or spoken to personally. Some of you are probably curious, though you already know some of what will appear in the following entry. To the rest of you I can't fathom being that damn compelling.
My ambition is to talk about big things-not relative to other blogs of this type but big things, period. To do that, it has to be broken down. You have to see the individual cogs in the machine and understand the what's and whys of how they turn.
You need to see they aren't just cogs but people, creatures, ideas.
If my words are going to have any power, it needs to be known where I come from, what drives me. It's not because this is important to you-it's because you have your own story to weave, and by reading my words mine becomes part of yours. What that ultimately means is up to you but one fact remains: to move on a large scale you must understand the small and subtle.
You have to grasp what you are truly (and truly not) capable of.
So let's begin.
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If you want me to write for you I'm up for hire. Drop me a line either on Facebook or through the contact form.
By the by-my legal name is currently Eric Moore. The reason you'll see Cado everywhere is because that's what I'm changing it to. The last name? It's a placeholder so I have a bit of fun with it.
If you like what you read feel free to drop a tip.
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